| i had a long hard grip prepared |
[Nov. 22nd, 2008|08:49 pm] |
but i decided to leave well enough alone.
i'm having a drink and hiding my phone. silly stupid allways passes.
i'll be holed up in my room. typing something worth something.
see you when i resurface.
--- CT --- |
|
|
| The easiest thing I've ever had to do |
[Nov. 10th, 2008|08:50 pm] |
was cut the bad people - the hurtful people- out of my life
now keeping them out is the problem.
I've been so undefinably happy
Even the loneliness is gone
and I'd like to keep it that way
please please please
let me just live happily
and go away
love
--- CT --- |
|
|
| Too much thought |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|01:06 pm] |
The other day I missed my exit and had to take backroads through Redmond.
First I drove past Tylers house.
I stopped for a second thinking what an awful person I am for never sending letters or visiting him in Jail.
So today I skipped my first class
I found all of his information
I bought stamps and envelopes
but then I couldn't find anything to say
If fact I couldn't even decide if I should type it or handwrite it.
I'm an idiot.
--- CT --- |
|
|
| sorry |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|11:52 am] |
I was never one to retrace my footsteps in the snow.
I wanted to leave behind as much evidence of my existence as possible.
now that i am where i am
i wish i'd been more careful where i placed the soles of my feet
I don't think I've been fair to a single person I've ever dated.
And now I realize that I actually hurt people and led them on
it was a joke to me
but I'm the joke and I deserve to be lonely
--- CT --- |
|
|
| I feel vibrant |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|09:35 am] |
So everything ended at break heart speed
The kind of super drawn out and then severely abrupt kind of thing
I feel odd. Relaxed.
Ready and willing to move on with my life and away from him.
Now when I go to LA I'll be able to relax. I won't be thinking some silly lost love.
The call was cruel and out of nowhere, but it really helped me.
I feel like the last week since that... I've been really having fun. Or maybe it just seems fun to me because things have been drab for so long.
I'm actually attracted to people again. I glance across the room and see opportunities. New friends New people. Old Friends New things New feelings.
I feel fresh.
I actually kissed someone and did not feel creepy.
I cried on friday. Because, to be honest freedom is a bit scary and overwhelming.
I only want to be like this. I never ever want to go back. I'm so thankful that things can change.
COME PLAY!
--- CT --- |
|
|
| blah blah blah |
[Sep. 18th, 2008|07:49 pm] |
sooo...
I start working with my trainer next week
and I start school again
with work and Parker and the new $
I'm hoping that I am so preoccupied that I won't notice I'm super lonely
I've gone out a few times but I feel like I sabotage every new possibility
which is kinda fine by me oddly enough
I feel like I love my friends but I really really need to meet some new people
Every guy I hangout with seems to know everything about me and have ridiculous assumptions about who I am
Other than that I'm perfectly happy with my life.
I'm just missing something I can't look for.
I wish it was easier I guess. :)
like I said blah blah blah
--- CT --- |
|
|
| I am |
[Sep. 2nd, 2008|08:14 pm] |
smitten
--- CT --- |
|
|
| awake |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|10:44 pm] |
today was sandpaper
i've never felt so peachless
on a whim i bought a pack of cigarettes on the drive home
it's been over a year since i've done that
i felt perfect on that drive
like the dry numbness had been scrubbed off
i once believed that feeling nothing was better than all the pain and loss and anger
but it's not
i decided i want to feel everything
with such a realization flooded in many more....
i loved the far away boy without a doubt (thus realizing love is capable)
i am not able to be normal and should stop trying to do so
it wasn't fate it was closure
i actually trully hate food. i can't remember the last satisfying taste
i am happy i just want to be excitedly happy
i'm odd
fuck dying my hair brown!
--- CT --- |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|05:12 pm] |
i like how i've gotten all in line
i haven't been drunk in ages
limits are nice
so is working out
they refiled some nonsense court sillyness
which makes me very bitter with the lying police
but i'm in the right so I know it will work out ok
then we can have a beautiful mis-treatment lawsuit and we all can go on vacation. ha
i realized that i am so so so glad i am not a regular girl
and that i am more than content with simple sober single
i like that weekdays aren't so hard anymore
and that i look forward to places and people and things
i feel even and i feel like hugging everyone that they should be even too
--- CT --- |
|
|
| so |
[Jun. 16th, 2008|09:57 am] |
i went out this weekend..
and actually had a great time
I think I was even a witty and a little charming
Met some new people
no nonsense really
and I didn't waste my time on creepers
instead I was focused on my friends
plus a beer and a long island and I was done
it was all about having a fun time hanging out
not about getting wasted
single summers suit me
--- CT --- |
|
|
| one week or so officially |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|07:12 pm] |
That I've been single
probably the biggest relief I've had in my life
I'm sad. Not so much that it's over (i'm actually ecstatic about that) but that I'm alone. again.
I'm getting a puppy as soon as I find one I adore
So that I can contently come home to it, and not feel so lonely.
I have a feeling I won't be dating for a long time
in fact Christian and I make fun of boys who talk to me
I find it all very awkward
also now that I am single
I have no one to blame for my fat ness but myself
So I've enlisted the help of a very fit fella to get me into shape
rearrange
I'm so excited I may die
--- CT --- |
|
|
| I feel sorry for you |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
when you say "oh how the mighty have fallen"
it's really more humerous than insulting
telling me that I've let myself go and I'll end up alone
it's a joke
because I am surrounded by people who love me
I can't help but feel so reassured
That even without the novelty, the person you are so competitive about
will still think of me fondly
If i were a lesser person. I'd show you what I am capable of if I want something. I could be you if i wanted, well a better version of you. But why would I want to?
I had what you have
and I left it
--- CT --- |
|
|
| I just want |
[Feb. 16th, 2008|03:42 pm] |
to punch everyone in the face
and scream
"Stop feeling so sorry for yourself!"
I think i might get in a tussle
I know some boys who could take a tackle or one to the jaw
--- CT --- |
|
|
| I live in fear |
[Feb. 10th, 2008|07:02 pm] |
of bad things happening
to the ones I love
But that is all I fear
and thats why everyone is worried
Don't be
its the only fear that is real
Its always there
--- CT --- |
|
|
| I'm not |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|08:32 pm] |
going to tell you what I'm good at
or what I'm bad at
you're not going to tell me who I am
or who you are in regards to me |
|
|
| and then i think.... |
[Jan. 31st, 2008|05:32 pm] |
why have I been spending my time with these worthless people
Junk people put you down so that you stick around
I'm gone. I can't believe it's that easy.
I don't want to know them anymore so i just won't
and I can actually have real conversations
and I can actually have a good time
and I can actually put it all behind me
I think i had a really good day today
the first of many
--- CT ---
CT SAYS WAKE UP |
|
|
| wake up |
[Jan. 21st, 2008|10:09 am] |
I went out this weekend for the first time in months
to be honest I was completely intimidated (a feeling that I have not really felt in years)
but
I think I'm ok.
I think that it's ok for me to come out into the world again.
I think that I've missed you
and that I have definatly missed myself
--- CT --- |
|
|
| you either |
[Jan. 1st, 2008|07:54 pm] |
know where I'm going or you don't
see ya in a month loves
--- CT --- |
|
|
| no |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|10:39 pm] |
i found my soul.
in your old room.
i found my heart.
broken in two.
the half that works.
belongs to you.
strange how i can act so normal and so centered
it's nice to just go through the motions sometimes
Do what is expected of you and follow the rules.
I need this now. I need to stay on the road where people see I'm ok.
Everyone thinks I'm morbid and drastic and sad. sorry, I didn't know that was a bad thing.
Thank goodness for Red Wine.
--- CT --- |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
girlinthedoor's journal